The thing about a junior year, is that it is absolutely crucial for a fabulous senior year. My senior year in high school (Out the door in ‘94!) was one of the best years of my life. Looking back at the pictures when at my parents over Christmas, I smiled fondly at the memories of times forgotten. While flipping through those old photos, I began to see similarities between the road I had traveled the prior year and the road I traveled this year in 2009. And I got excited for 2010. I came into my own my senior year. I could only do this, because I figured out a lot of things during junior year. I discovered my true friends. I had two friends my junior year and neither of them attended my high school. I thank God for Eric and Melanie, for tolerating my moroseness. And thank you Mrs. Wilson for letting me eat lunch with you in the debate room. I also realized what was important to me. I let go of stress and some unnecessary responsibilities, made new friends, and became a more genuine me. I simply took a deep breath, stepped out, and decided to be myself… to hell with what anyone thought. I was happy, and suddenly, I found new friends, rekindled relationships with old friends, and continued to remain loyal to the friends who were with me through the worst. It was cathartic, only I didn’t know it and couldn’t truly appreciate it then.
Fast forward to junior year in college. Misery. I was lost, swallowed up in an organization that didn’t share my values, and surrounded by people who didn’t see me. Not the real me. I had nothing in common with my “friends”, and struggled to make new friends. I believed in God, but where was He? And just like that, the ship turned around… on a dime. It’s amazing how quickly life can change. I transferred to a new college (for the 1st of 2 fabulous senior years), and shed that yucky year like a snake sheds it skin. And, I really didn’t look back. But, I was appreciative. Because if life is one big continuous bowl of cherries, then can one ever truly taste the sweetness? I don’t think so. Junior years are necessary.
My 7th grade year… junior high school. My sister died when I was in 6th grade. But in 7th grade, I was lost. I couldn’t seem to define myself. I just wanted so terribly to blend in with the wallpaper, but felt all the pressure of replacing the daughter that my parents had lost. And I talk about this year last, because I don’t remember many details, aside from the overwhelming sadness, and a couple of snapshot highlights (cheerleader tryouts, trick or treating, and passing out at church--this was when I was first diagnosed with Anemia and not depression. And this explained to my parents why I was sleeping so much). I felt no joy that I recall. But, I rebounded and had an excellent 8th grade (senior) year. See the pattern?
2009 stands out as one of the top 5 worst years in my life. Why? Yes, there are some happy moments in 2009, but I will always consider 2009 my lost year. My career gobbled up my free time and forced me to reprioritize, placing career before family, friends, and sometimes God. My resolution for 2009 had been to get real with people. And I did. I absolutely did. I’ve been growing, painfully so, closer and closer to my genuine self. And, more importantly, I am sharing that “genuine girl” with those around me. But, 2009 was painful. I can remember thinking “God, why have you forsaken me?” Really? I wasn’t hung up on the cross, or lost in the dessert for 40 years. But being a bit of a drama queen, I felt that God had forgotten me. He had not. God turned the ship around in November, once again…on a dime. And I was delivered so to speak, and my faith replenished. Here was the light at the end of the tunnel for which I had been praying. But it was necessary, in order to appreciate the goodness that is surely to come in 2010. 2009 was a junior year, and 2010 is destined to be a senior year, or so I believe. And believing is 99% of the battle.
My resolutions for 2010...
1) To make room in my life. To clear out clutter, both literally and figuratively, and make room for the future.
2) To focus on my health. To become more mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy. Continuing to discard the negative and focus on the positive.
3) To grow in my relationship with God. To focus on nurturing that relationship, just as I would a friendship.
4) To surround myself with people who are healthy and good for me. No more toxic peeps. Or if absolutely unavoidable, then in small doses.
5) To focus on the exploitation of my creative gifts. Yes, I would like to exploit my creativity for love or money, or just for personal enjoyment.
Things began to change at the end of 2009, to pave the way to a great 2010. I’m hopeful. And as I toasted and welcomed in the New Year with friends this past Thursday, I couldn’t help but fondly wave adios to the past year. 2009-- it was good knowing you, but I’m glad our relationship has come to an end. You were the best of times, but you were the worst of times. Here’s to a fresh start.
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